Two Years – Day One

Two Years – Day One

What does 2 years look like?  It looks no different than Day 1.  In this season of Easter, we are celebrating the Resurrection of Christ and the promise of eternal life.  We often think of time as BC and AD – Before Christ and After Death.  In the childhood cancer world, time is also designated as BC and AD – Before Cancer and After Diagnosis.  As hard as I try, I just can’t shake our cancer journey and put it in any type of perspective.  It haunts me daily.  As a mother, I feel I was put here on this planet for my children.  My number one job in this world is to be the best mother I know how to be.  Cancer has a way of throwing doubt at me so hard that I can’t get back up when it knocks me down.  My heart digs deep into Dawson’s 2 ½ year struggle and I question each and every decision that was made.  My head at that point takes over and I realize that there was no decision that was made that I would have or even could have changed.  There was nothing that I could do to change Dawson’s prognosis.  As a mother, this is the simple fact that haunts me daily.  My job was to protect Dawson and I was not able to do that.  No matter what treatment we did, no matter what surgery we had done, no matter where we went to seek 2nd and 3rd and 4th and 5th opinions, his cancer was relentless and was going to take his life.  Let me tell you that is a hard reality to live.  It brings the strongest soul to their knees in pain.  Sometimes it will take minutes to get back up but often times it takes days.  I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.  God lifts me up at that point and shakes me off.  This quote says “something very beautiful happens to people when their world has fallen apart; a humility, a nobility, a higher intelligence emerges at just the point when our knees hit the floor.”

There are some who bring a light so great into the world that even after they have gone, the light remains.  Dawson was a shining light.  His memory will continue to drive me to make a difference for all children that have had their life taken by cancer, for those children that are literally in the fight for their life today, and for those children that will be thrown into this reality tomorrow.  The picture below is MY reality.  Dawson was a warrior.  The warrior was called Home, but I have to stay here.  I am broken and battered, but a better person for having Dawson in my life.

In Loving Memory

Dawson Howard Creager

9/10/99 – 4/4/13

Dawson's GravesiteAnniversary poem and picture