One Year Ago

It was one year ago this past Friday since Dawson’s death.  I cannot believe that it has been a year.  I still picture every moment of that day in my head.  I think I always will.  I was wondering how I was going to handle the anniversary of his death.  Would you believe that it came and went and I am still standing, still living, still breathing.  But a beautiful friend of mine who has experienced loss reminded me that it won’t be as bad as that day because the worst tragedy has already occurred.  I tried to remind myself of that and she was absolutely right.  It wasn’t so bad.  You see, I don’t view the anniversary of his death as a particular reason to miss him more.  I miss Dawson more when I have to set 5 places at my table instead of 6.  I miss Dawson more when we go out to eat and they say how many in your party and I have to say “5”.  I miss Dawson more when I go to a movie because that was something we always did together.  He loved the popcorn and his weight had dropped significantly and anything to get him to eat and put on weight was what I was going to do.  I miss Dawson more when I take Carson to school because Dawson would have been in 8th grade and they would have been in school together.  I think about all of the things his friends are getting to do as they prepare for high school, and Dawson will not get to do.  I miss Dawson more as I get Mason ready to graduate and head off to college.  Dawson would have loved to have been a part of the family celebration and give his brother as hard a time as possible.  Dawson had a wicked sense of humor that kept us in stitches.  I miss that Dawson won’t get to celebrate his 15th birthday this September by getting his driving permit.  He had already mastered a 4-wheeler and a Kawasaki so a car would have been a piece of cake.  Of course he loved the sense of speed so maybe that would have been a downside to his permit.  He was my roommate for 2 1/2 years and I miss our nighttime conversations.  He needed to be isolated due to germs during chemotherapy so I moved him into my room, and I miss my roommate.  Our cat just had kittens and he was such an animal lover that he would have loved that.  I miss Dawson more when I sit on the couch watching our TV shows.  We always watched Grimm on Friday nights, we watched the Voice and critiqued and tried to guess which judge they would choose, and he’s not here to do those things with me anymore.  I haven’t watched Grimm since.  I have them recorded but just can’t bring myself to watch them.  Its not the same.  So its the everyday things that I miss.  I missed him terribly the day before the 4th, I missed him terribly the 4th, and I missed him terribly the day after the 4th.  A single day doesn’t change that feeling of loss.  It does get overwhelming at times.  I have to sit back in a quiet place and calm myself down.  The gates of grief opened up and flooded last week but I needed a break down and I felt much better.

 

Dawson’s 5K will be tomorrow and I am in awe of the support we have for this event.  It far exceeded my expectations.  I am so blessed that God has surrounded me with friends and family who are so supportive and still continue to take care of me.  You may have accessed this blog via Dawson’s website www.dawsonscircleofhope.com.  That name came from the endless hope that Dawson always had.  I encircled Dawson with hope that we would beat this and whenever it looked like things weren’t going our way, I would tighten that circle just a little bit more and he never lost hope.  Faith, Hope, and Love.  Dawson always had Faith, Dawson always had Love and was Loved, and he never lost Hope.  So you see, he is missed everyday in the little everyday things that people take for granted.  I smile and continue my everyday life but inside my heart breaks because he’s not here to enjoy the simple things that everyone else does.  My family is not complete but I carry on because Kelsey, Mason, and Carson deserve a happy life too.

 

Susan

Anniversary poem and picture